Everything
by hobbleit
Summary: Doug/John Paul pairing. John Paul returns to Hollyoaks


**A/N: Just a short fic, separate from Staring because it doesn't really fit in and I wanted to use song lyrics :D.**

**The song lyrics are from Everything by Anathema. I just think they fit McCarter.**

* * *

_**Needed time to clear my mind  
and breathe the free air find some peace there  
I used to keep my heart in jail  
But the choice was love or fear of pain and**_

New hope. That's what it was all about really. New hope, new life, new everything. It was all new and that was the exciting thing about it. He hadn't been actively looking for it but it just hit him. He'd begun to think there was no point, that no-one was worth giving his heart too but he'd been proven wrong.

He'd had his heart broken and that hurt more than he ever wanted to feel again. He'd loved Craig more than anything and when they'd broken up it felt like he'd left the part of himself behind that wanted love. He couldn't imagine ever feeling like that about anyone ever again.

Then he'd met Doug. At first he resisted becoming too close to the young American partly because he didn't want to treat him as a rebound and partly because he didn't want to open himself up like that to a person again. He wanted to keep his distance to avoid being hurt. Doug, however, had a way of piercing through the walls he had built up to protect himself and he found himself allowing Doug in. Doug was different to Craig, very different but that was not such a bad thing. Doug was comfortable with his sexuality and he had no problem showing John Paul that he liked him. The day John Paul was mugged and Doug was there for him all day made him realise that he was ready to move on, that there was someone out there who was worth it. It was a good feeling to have.

Still, he'd hesitated when he and Doug were about to have sex for the first time. He still wasn't sure that he was ready to take such a big step and move from friend to lover. He liked that Doug had understood and, if he was honest, that was one of the reasons why he did take the next step. He was willing to wait for John Paul to be ready and that's when he realised that he was. It had been amazing and he had meant it the next morning when he implied that it wouldn't just be a one off.

_**I...  
Chose...  
Love...**_

_**Cos everything is energy and energy is you and me...**_

Doug swallowed hard when he read the text. He felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Things had been so perfect this morning, waking up next to John Paul. It had felt like a dream come true. He'd been looking forward to this all day; he'd spent so much time trying to make everything as perfect as possible. Now all he could do was stare at the text as if it would somehow change the words.

The previous night had been amazing. It had been even better than he had imagined. He had dreamed about what it would be like to be with John Paul, to kiss him and have sex with him and the reality had far surpassed his expectations. He had awoken with a happy feeling in his heart, something he hadn't felt for a long time. But now he was left feeling deflated. He wondered what had happened to make John Paul feel that he needed to get away. The last time he had seen him he had seemed okay; a bit down about being suspended but okay. He wondered if something had happened at the college. He wanted to send a text back but he was afraid of the response he might get. Or rather he was afraid that he might not get a response.

xXx

John Paul swallowed hard. He was nervous. He was trying to build up the courage to speak to Doug but so far it was failing him. He was scared at how Doug was going to react at him leaving like he did. He wouldn't be surprised if Doug never wanted to see him again. They had often talked about their previous relationships and one of the things Doug had mentioned about his time with Ste was how worthless he felt most of the time they were together. He had said how Ste had let him down and now he had done the same thing to him. He needed Doug to know that none of this was his fault.

He could see Doug through the window of the Deli and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Doug looked so handsome standing there and John Paul just wanted to burst through the door, take him in his arms and kiss him until he needed to stop for breath. He had to mentally stop himself from doing that. He took a deep breath and opened the door to the Deli.

"I'll be with you in a minute," he heard Doug say without looking up from what he was doing. John Paul tried to reply but his mind went blank and he couldn't think of anything to say so he simply stood there awkwardly.

"Hey," he managed to say eventually and he cringed at how pathetic it sounded. Doug looked up and immediately went on the defensive. His entire demeanour changed and he crossed his arms.

"Hey," he replied, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible but John Paul could tell he was angry.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't know if we really have anything to talk about."

"Please, let me explain."

"You don't need to," Doug told him. "I heard all about what happened at the college."

"I guessed you might have."

"Then we don't really have anything to talk about."

"I'm sorry," John Paul apologised. "I'm sorry I left like I did. I didn't even give you a proper explanation for doing so."

"You don't need to apologise, you don't owe me anything."

John Paul could tell what Doug was doing and he felt bad. He knew that Doug was being deliberately standoffish with him so he didn't show just how upset he was. "No, I really am sorry. I was just so humiliated I couldn't think of anything other than getting away. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Maybe it was for the best," Doug said. "At least this way I know where I stand before I get myself too emotionally involved. Now I can just get on with my life. It was just a drunken one night stand and that's it."

Doug tried to walk into the back of the shop away from John Paul but he quickly followed him. "Don't say that. I needed to sort my head out and figure out what to do. This has nothing to do with you and me sleeping together because I will never regret that. It's the one thing out of this entire mess that I wouldn't change."

John Paul could see Doug's face soften slightly. "I wish I hadn't run now. I wish I'd gone to you and talked because that would have been the more adult thing to do. I was just hurt and angry and all I could think of was getting away from here so I couldn't hear anyone laughing at me."

"You could have told me this," Doug protested. "You could have said something but you just sent me a lousy text. Do you know how much that hurts? That night was amazing and I thought that it was the beginning of something but then you just up and leave and you don't even give me a proper explanation. Do you know how that made me feel?"

"I can guess."

"I don't want to get hurt again. I can't let myself get hurt again so if this means nothing to you and all you saw in me was a convenient warm body just tell me now because I really like you and I don't want to waste my time."

John Paul took a step forward so he was standing very close to Doug, so close he could feel the warmth of Doug's body radiating against him. He raised his hand and gently stroked Doug's cheek. "You're not wasting your time," he whispered and leaned down to gently kiss the smaller man.

"Please don't," Doug said quietly, reluctantly breaking away.

"Don't what?" John Paul asked.

"Don't hurt me."

"I won't, I promise," John Paul replied and Doug allowed him to lean back in for another kiss. They stood in the kitchen kissing for what seemed like an eternity, neither seemed to want to let the other go. "Maybe we should go back to yours," John Paul said, eventually pulling away and resting his forehead against Doug's, both of the breathing heavily.

"Sounds like a good plan," Doug whispered breathlessly. "Come on," he grabbed John Paul's hand and pulled him away.

_**Light shines in through an open window  
Shines inside your heart and soul and  
Light will guide your way through time  
and love will help you heal your mind and**_

Doug woke up first this time round and he spent several minutes just lying in bed watching John Paul sleep peacefully next to him. He couldn't help but smile at the sight in front of him. The ecstatic feeling had returned and replaced the anger that he had been feeling just the day before.

"Morning," he heard John Paul say as he stirred and opened his eyes, wincing slightly at the bright light of the morning.

"Morning," Doug smiled. "Did you sleep well?"

"Best sleep for weeks," John Paul leaned in and kissed Doug. "I missed you while I was gone."

"I didn't miss you at all."

"Really?"

"Nope," Doug smiled.

"You're such a tease," John Paul laughed and kissed Doug again. He wrapped his arm around Doug's waist and pulled him close. "You don't have to get up early, do you?" John Paul asked in between kisses.

"I'm sure I can open up late," Doug grinned.

_**Life...  
Will...  
Be…**_

_**Cos everything is energy and energy is you and me...  
**_


End file.
